A Little Open Heart Surgery

This is my own personal account with my experiences with bulimia and binge eating disorder. I know there are others who struggle with this as well. I want to say, you are not alone and there is help. My goal is to open dialogue for those who struggle with bulimia and for those who want to understand the rationale behind this emotional/physical disorder.
Having bulimia does not mean I am bulimic. To say this is to place my identity solely on this disorder. On the contrary, we are not the disorder. This is just a product of something much deeper.
For me, I've had a love/hate relationship with food since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed with possibly having bulimia when I was 13 years old. I let it go and so did my family. We never pursued it further than the diagnosis. I continued eating the same and responding the same way emotionally.
By the time I was 19, I was in full blown bulimia. I was in college and I began eating to the point where I was uncomfortable and then I would exercise profusely to lose even more weight. I lost 7 dress sizes in 3 months. People took notice and complimented me on my appearance but my soul was still suffering. I still saw myself as overweight even though the scale clearly showed I wasn't.
When I was 25 I had gained all the weight back and even more. My health had started to deteriorate and I had torn the ligaments and achilles tendons in both ankles when I fell down a spiral staircase that year while in Germany. I was truly a wreck. Still, I continued to fight the inner battle by basing my sole identity on how I looked. It was a neverending cycle.
It wasn't until now, 13 years later, that I openly admitted I needed help and took an aggressive stance against my state of mind and my self worth. Yeah, I know...some people will probably roll their eyes and say I'm full of crap. This blog isn't for you. It's for those who are broken and who do suffer and who are honestly searching for answers.
I won't proclaim to know the answers but I can encourage and give a little insight. There is nothing fun about being truly honest with ones self. It hurts. It makes you feel vulnerable and scared. For a person who spent her life literally stuffing her feelings, it's a new concept to acknowledge even the negative feelings. But it has also been one of the most rewarding experiences for me. I have the ability to experience truly good feelings too. There is a sense of authenticity to this way of life.
I'm not perfect, I know I will never be but I trust God with my life and I will continue to do so. To the wise the gospel of Christ is foolishness but there is such a peace in succumbing to the simplicity of God's Word. I am trying to work out my life the best I know how. I am taking one step at a time and learning to just "be" for a change. I don't think of the future and I don't dwell on my past. I work through my past but it does not define me anymore.
No one has to be defined by their past and God's plan for us is far greater than we can ever imagine. I want to overcome my eating disorder for a few reasons. First, I want to be healthier. I see my life flashing before my eyes. Second, I want my son to have his mom around for a really long time. I don't want him to have to experience standing by my gravesite by the time he is 13. Thirdly, I long to encourage others and give them the courage to be who they are meant to be.
Don't live the lies that society puts on you. Allow yourself to be yourself and be the best you that you can be. It sounds so cliche when parents tell you that it is the inside of a person that makes their self worth. But you know, I find it cliche that the world looks to the outward appearance of a person and doesn't value the heart. There is an attractiveness in sincerity and boldness. Who cares what others think about you? Ultimately it comes down to what God thinks of you and I can tell you that God loves you and there is nothing better than being embraced by such a bold and sincere love. There is a freedom which comes from letting go of the sorrow and pain. There is a peace which occurs when you can laugh in the presence of the Creator of the universe and know you have a purpose in this life other than being a victim.
My experiences have been painful but I still have hope. I know I will have my days when I am still sad and depressed. I still believe there is a reason for everything. I may never understand it all but I don't have to either. I can just "be" for a change.