This evening the most amazing thing happened. I was lying on my son’s bed. We were reading the Bible, doing devotions, and prayers. He had had a rough day too. He said to me, “Mommy, I just can’t do what God wants me to do”. I told him that none of us can but God gave us a way to be close to him when He gave us Jesus. I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God. I then asked if he understood that Jesus died for us so the bad things we’ve done won’t be held against us when we die and stand before God. He said yes to both. I then asked him if he would like to know Jesus so that He could be right with God. He again said yes.
My son and I prayed. It was such a simple prayer and hearing it in the words of my four-year-old son was amazing. He said, “Dear God, thank you for this day. I believe Jesus is your son. I believe Jesus died for me. I'm sorry for the bad things I've done. Forgive me. Jesus, please come into my heart. Thank you. Amen.”
There was such magnificent power in that short little prayer my son said. I helped him with some of the words but most of it was his. It really put in perspective how a childlike prayer is all we need to say sometimes. It takes only a small drop of faith to say this and know that the prayer is answered the moment it is said.
My son looked at me afterwards and smiled. Then he kissed me on the cheek and said, “Mommy, Jesus is in my heart.” I am in awe over this.
As if this wasn’t enough, something else happened. I was sitting on my bed writing to my friends about my son and I saw something fly into the lamp. I looked over and there was a ladybug. Maybe that doesn’t seem like such a big deal but I’ve always loved ladybugs and I’ve always associated springtime with them.
When I think of springtime, I think of a new beginning. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Spring has always been a time of rebirth and life. That ladybug was like a promise to me. It was a small reminder of the great things that are yet to come.
God is only a prayer away. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." God answers prayers. Sometimes he doesn't answer them the way we think they should be answered but He answers. As we draw closer to Him, His plans become more understandable. God's plan from the beginning was to have creation be in full communion with Him. When Adam and Eve chose to disregard God's plans, the earth and all creation suffered.
God longs for us to come to Him. He wants us to trust Him. It seems so simple a solution and yet it is the hardest thing to do. Our lives become so complicated and the simplicity of the gospel becomes distorted. We choose to believe lies rather than trust a God who longs to save us from the pain and sorrow. We get lost in the translation so to speak. We become so busy and will try to find any other way to overcome our inner demons that will not lead us to God.
Jim Elliot once said, "He is no fool if he would choose to give the things he cannot keep to find what he can never lose." Jim died as a missionary in Ecquador. Later, his wife Elizabeth and their children went back to the very tribe who murdered her husband and the other missionaries. That tribe eventually saw God in that simple act of love. The one who murdered Jim came to Christ and has become a father to Jim's son. It's a true story...and a story of new beginnings.
That is what God is all about. He wants a new beginning for all of us.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
An Even Greater Physician
Today was such a difficult day for me. I wasn't struggling so much with my eating disorder issues but I was dealing with a lot of the emotional ones. Acknowledging the bulimia and binge eating disorder is only the start. Now I do not have the excuse to turn to these destructive patterns. I've been forced to face my past and deal with the present at hand. It's been frightening and overwhelming all at once. I felt like I was going to have a break down with the emotions that seemed to invade me today.
I would cry at the drop of a hat. I kept reminding myself to just stay in that moment and allow it to pass but it hurt so much. I wasn't sad about anything in general. I just was feeling everything today.
I was getting so frustrated over the lack of help out there for people with eating disorders. Or rather, there's a lot of help out there but the insurances make it very difficult to receive the treatments. They dictate everything. I've spoken to others and this is not uncommon to experience this.
A friend prayed for me and said something so profound and instrumental in giving me peace of mind. She reminded me that God is the one who is the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor. No matter what the obstacles I face, God is the answer. Nothing is outside of His will. Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
I find so much comfort in knowing that Jesus knows everything I go through. He has offered me the choice to learn from Him. What did Jesus do? He turned to God. Nothing Jesus did was outside of God's will and everything was sought through prayer and meditation. There is so much peace for my soul because Jesus took care of everything on the cross and He has the power to help me overcome all of the obstacles that come my way.
Yeah, I had a rough day but I don't let my emotions justify actions that may not be beneficial to me. On the contrary, I bring those emotions into captivity by remembering the good God has done in my life. This hard day shall pass but God remains the same and I draw my strength from Him.
I would cry at the drop of a hat. I kept reminding myself to just stay in that moment and allow it to pass but it hurt so much. I wasn't sad about anything in general. I just was feeling everything today.
I was getting so frustrated over the lack of help out there for people with eating disorders. Or rather, there's a lot of help out there but the insurances make it very difficult to receive the treatments. They dictate everything. I've spoken to others and this is not uncommon to experience this.
A friend prayed for me and said something so profound and instrumental in giving me peace of mind. She reminded me that God is the one who is the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor. No matter what the obstacles I face, God is the answer. Nothing is outside of His will. Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
I find so much comfort in knowing that Jesus knows everything I go through. He has offered me the choice to learn from Him. What did Jesus do? He turned to God. Nothing Jesus did was outside of God's will and everything was sought through prayer and meditation. There is so much peace for my soul because Jesus took care of everything on the cross and He has the power to help me overcome all of the obstacles that come my way.
Yeah, I had a rough day but I don't let my emotions justify actions that may not be beneficial to me. On the contrary, I bring those emotions into captivity by remembering the good God has done in my life. This hard day shall pass but God remains the same and I draw my strength from Him.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Next 15
Life is just a series of baby steps. It is so easy to get caught up in the rush of things and to forget that there is more to life than just existing. There are days I've only existed and I regret the lost time spent in unproductive actions and decisions.
Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by the need to find a certain food to eat. It becomes an obsession. All I can focus on is the object and the immediate gratification I will have once I have it. It goes beyond the food addiction. It is an aspect in my life that I have to struggle with daily. I remember telling my family doctor how I will crave sugar. He gave me some very sound advice.
When I feel the need for sugar, wait 15 minutes. I tried this and it worked. If I don't give in to the craving immediately, the craving becomes weaker. Now I just set my timer and find something else to do. If, after the 15 minutes, I find I am still craving sugar I will allow myself to have a lollipop, a piece of fruit, or a cup of hot chocolate.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."
The times I have given into temptation are the times I have forgotten who God is. I forgot to rely on His strength and His promises to give me the way out of it. I can make excuses and say I didn't know but I would be fooling myself. The truth is, every action I take is deliberate...whether it is beneficial or not. The times my actions weren't beneficial, I made excuses for. I am ashamed of that but not because it puts a bad light on me. I am more ashamed at how it has made others think that mocking God and Christ in me is the reason for them not to believe that God exists and that Jesus did really pay the penalty of our sins.
I am not perfect and I will never claim to be. I am only forgiven and every day I wake up, I am given the opportunity to begin again. I don't have to continue living as if my past decides my present or future. When I am tempted to give in to my cravings...I breathe and wait for the next 15.
I wouldn't change these lessons for the world. Someday I will be able to look back and say that God have truly delivered me from this.
Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by the need to find a certain food to eat. It becomes an obsession. All I can focus on is the object and the immediate gratification I will have once I have it. It goes beyond the food addiction. It is an aspect in my life that I have to struggle with daily. I remember telling my family doctor how I will crave sugar. He gave me some very sound advice.
When I feel the need for sugar, wait 15 minutes. I tried this and it worked. If I don't give in to the craving immediately, the craving becomes weaker. Now I just set my timer and find something else to do. If, after the 15 minutes, I find I am still craving sugar I will allow myself to have a lollipop, a piece of fruit, or a cup of hot chocolate.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."
The times I have given into temptation are the times I have forgotten who God is. I forgot to rely on His strength and His promises to give me the way out of it. I can make excuses and say I didn't know but I would be fooling myself. The truth is, every action I take is deliberate...whether it is beneficial or not. The times my actions weren't beneficial, I made excuses for. I am ashamed of that but not because it puts a bad light on me. I am more ashamed at how it has made others think that mocking God and Christ in me is the reason for them not to believe that God exists and that Jesus did really pay the penalty of our sins.
I am not perfect and I will never claim to be. I am only forgiven and every day I wake up, I am given the opportunity to begin again. I don't have to continue living as if my past decides my present or future. When I am tempted to give in to my cravings...I breathe and wait for the next 15.
I wouldn't change these lessons for the world. Someday I will be able to look back and say that God have truly delivered me from this.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Welcome to the Lion's Den
I was talking to my friend about how I hated having this eating disorder. It makes me so angry because I need the food to stay nourished and healthy but I can't stand the control it has over me. It didn't start out this way. I understand now that bulimia is psychological. It didn't just happen over night. It took several years to progress. I look back and I realize it wasn't just about appearance but it was also about control. I never had control as a teen or the freedom to express myself in any other way than was acceptable to my family. Since that was the case, I turned to food for comfort.
For a while, I would be so proud of myself because I had the control over my life and I could choose when to eat and when not to eat. The problem was, I starved myself. I would go for up to three days without eating and then I would be so hungry I'd eat everything I could find until I was sick with the binging. Then once I purged my system I would exercise to lose even more weight.
This is where the lion's den came in. I became afraid of eating. I looked at food as my enemy. I saw its mouth opening to devour me. I was no longer in control of how I responded to food. The food was now in control of me.
There is a story within the Old Testament of the Bible about the prophet Daniel. In chapter 6:16-22 Daniel is placed into the lions den. "But the king spoke, saying to Daniel, 'Your God, whom you serve continually, he will deliver you'." (verse 16 b). What happens later is God sent His angel down and shut the mouths of the lions (verse 22).
Perhaps food is like a raging lion but even lions mouths can be sealed. I find comfort in knowing that God is far bigger and far greater than my eating disorder. If God can send an angel to close the mouth of the lions when Daniel was in peril, He can certainly close the mouth of one that seeks to devour me.
I know that these verses were telling the story of Daniel but I found it to be helpful to my own struggle. I can even take it another step further by saying that God hears the prayers of His children. There is such a peace in knowing I can rest in His capable hands. He doesn't promise to take away these issues but He does promise never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
This doesn't make my problems go away and it doesn't take my eating disorder away but it does give me hope. All I have to do is be willing to take one step at a time and allow God to do His will in my life. The more my focus is on God, the more I will experience a change within my heart and my life. The more I continue to humble myself before God, the more I will be ministered to. The more I try to encourage others, the more blessings will be given and received.
There will be days I will not "feel" as if I am succeeding. The important thing to always remember is my feelings should not become the deciding factor in whether I succeed or fail. There is nothing wrong with "feeling" the way I do but I need to remember my feelings do not control me. I do have choices and I can get through this with God's help. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
For a while, I would be so proud of myself because I had the control over my life and I could choose when to eat and when not to eat. The problem was, I starved myself. I would go for up to three days without eating and then I would be so hungry I'd eat everything I could find until I was sick with the binging. Then once I purged my system I would exercise to lose even more weight.
This is where the lion's den came in. I became afraid of eating. I looked at food as my enemy. I saw its mouth opening to devour me. I was no longer in control of how I responded to food. The food was now in control of me.
There is a story within the Old Testament of the Bible about the prophet Daniel. In chapter 6:16-22 Daniel is placed into the lions den. "But the king spoke, saying to Daniel, 'Your God, whom you serve continually, he will deliver you'." (verse 16 b). What happens later is God sent His angel down and shut the mouths of the lions (verse 22).
Perhaps food is like a raging lion but even lions mouths can be sealed. I find comfort in knowing that God is far bigger and far greater than my eating disorder. If God can send an angel to close the mouth of the lions when Daniel was in peril, He can certainly close the mouth of one that seeks to devour me.
I know that these verses were telling the story of Daniel but I found it to be helpful to my own struggle. I can even take it another step further by saying that God hears the prayers of His children. There is such a peace in knowing I can rest in His capable hands. He doesn't promise to take away these issues but He does promise never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
This doesn't make my problems go away and it doesn't take my eating disorder away but it does give me hope. All I have to do is be willing to take one step at a time and allow God to do His will in my life. The more my focus is on God, the more I will experience a change within my heart and my life. The more I continue to humble myself before God, the more I will be ministered to. The more I try to encourage others, the more blessings will be given and received.
There will be days I will not "feel" as if I am succeeding. The important thing to always remember is my feelings should not become the deciding factor in whether I succeed or fail. There is nothing wrong with "feeling" the way I do but I need to remember my feelings do not control me. I do have choices and I can get through this with God's help. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Little Open Heart Surgery
This is my own personal account with my experiences with bulimia and binge eating disorder. I know there are others who struggle with this as well. I want to say, you are not alone and there is help. My goal is to open dialogue for those who struggle with bulimia and for those who want to understand the rationale behind this emotional/physical disorder.
Having bulimia does not mean I am bulimic. To say this is to place my identity solely on this disorder. On the contrary, we are not the disorder. This is just a product of something much deeper.
For me, I've had a love/hate relationship with food since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed with possibly having bulimia when I was 13 years old. I let it go and so did my family. We never pursued it further than the diagnosis. I continued eating the same and responding the same way emotionally.
By the time I was 19, I was in full blown bulimia. I was in college and I began eating to the point where I was uncomfortable and then I would exercise profusely to lose even more weight. I lost 7 dress sizes in 3 months. People took notice and complimented me on my appearance but my soul was still suffering. I still saw myself as overweight even though the scale clearly showed I wasn't.
When I was 25 I had gained all the weight back and even more. My health had started to deteriorate and I had torn the ligaments and achilles tendons in both ankles when I fell down a spiral staircase that year while in Germany. I was truly a wreck. Still, I continued to fight the inner battle by basing my sole identity on how I looked. It was a neverending cycle.
It wasn't until now, 13 years later, that I openly admitted I needed help and took an aggressive stance against my state of mind and my self worth. Yeah, I know...some people will probably roll their eyes and say I'm full of crap. This blog isn't for you. It's for those who are broken and who do suffer and who are honestly searching for answers.
I won't proclaim to know the answers but I can encourage and give a little insight. There is nothing fun about being truly honest with ones self. It hurts. It makes you feel vulnerable and scared. For a person who spent her life literally stuffing her feelings, it's a new concept to acknowledge even the negative feelings. But it has also been one of the most rewarding experiences for me. I have the ability to experience truly good feelings too. There is a sense of authenticity to this way of life.
I'm not perfect, I know I will never be but I trust God with my life and I will continue to do so. To the wise the gospel of Christ is foolishness but there is such a peace in succumbing to the simplicity of God's Word. I am trying to work out my life the best I know how. I am taking one step at a time and learning to just "be" for a change. I don't think of the future and I don't dwell on my past. I work through my past but it does not define me anymore.
No one has to be defined by their past and God's plan for us is far greater than we can ever imagine. I want to overcome my eating disorder for a few reasons. First, I want to be healthier. I see my life flashing before my eyes. Second, I want my son to have his mom around for a really long time. I don't want him to have to experience standing by my gravesite by the time he is 13. Thirdly, I long to encourage others and give them the courage to be who they are meant to be.
Don't live the lies that society puts on you. Allow yourself to be yourself and be the best you that you can be. It sounds so cliche when parents tell you that it is the inside of a person that makes their self worth. But you know, I find it cliche that the world looks to the outward appearance of a person and doesn't value the heart. There is an attractiveness in sincerity and boldness. Who cares what others think about you? Ultimately it comes down to what God thinks of you and I can tell you that God loves you and there is nothing better than being embraced by such a bold and sincere love. There is a freedom which comes from letting go of the sorrow and pain. There is a peace which occurs when you can laugh in the presence of the Creator of the universe and know you have a purpose in this life other than being a victim.
My experiences have been painful but I still have hope. I know I will have my days when I am still sad and depressed. I still believe there is a reason for everything. I may never understand it all but I don't have to either. I can just "be" for a change.
Having bulimia does not mean I am bulimic. To say this is to place my identity solely on this disorder. On the contrary, we are not the disorder. This is just a product of something much deeper.
For me, I've had a love/hate relationship with food since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed with possibly having bulimia when I was 13 years old. I let it go and so did my family. We never pursued it further than the diagnosis. I continued eating the same and responding the same way emotionally.
By the time I was 19, I was in full blown bulimia. I was in college and I began eating to the point where I was uncomfortable and then I would exercise profusely to lose even more weight. I lost 7 dress sizes in 3 months. People took notice and complimented me on my appearance but my soul was still suffering. I still saw myself as overweight even though the scale clearly showed I wasn't.
When I was 25 I had gained all the weight back and even more. My health had started to deteriorate and I had torn the ligaments and achilles tendons in both ankles when I fell down a spiral staircase that year while in Germany. I was truly a wreck. Still, I continued to fight the inner battle by basing my sole identity on how I looked. It was a neverending cycle.
It wasn't until now, 13 years later, that I openly admitted I needed help and took an aggressive stance against my state of mind and my self worth. Yeah, I know...some people will probably roll their eyes and say I'm full of crap. This blog isn't for you. It's for those who are broken and who do suffer and who are honestly searching for answers.
I won't proclaim to know the answers but I can encourage and give a little insight. There is nothing fun about being truly honest with ones self. It hurts. It makes you feel vulnerable and scared. For a person who spent her life literally stuffing her feelings, it's a new concept to acknowledge even the negative feelings. But it has also been one of the most rewarding experiences for me. I have the ability to experience truly good feelings too. There is a sense of authenticity to this way of life.
I'm not perfect, I know I will never be but I trust God with my life and I will continue to do so. To the wise the gospel of Christ is foolishness but there is such a peace in succumbing to the simplicity of God's Word. I am trying to work out my life the best I know how. I am taking one step at a time and learning to just "be" for a change. I don't think of the future and I don't dwell on my past. I work through my past but it does not define me anymore.
No one has to be defined by their past and God's plan for us is far greater than we can ever imagine. I want to overcome my eating disorder for a few reasons. First, I want to be healthier. I see my life flashing before my eyes. Second, I want my son to have his mom around for a really long time. I don't want him to have to experience standing by my gravesite by the time he is 13. Thirdly, I long to encourage others and give them the courage to be who they are meant to be.
Don't live the lies that society puts on you. Allow yourself to be yourself and be the best you that you can be. It sounds so cliche when parents tell you that it is the inside of a person that makes their self worth. But you know, I find it cliche that the world looks to the outward appearance of a person and doesn't value the heart. There is an attractiveness in sincerity and boldness. Who cares what others think about you? Ultimately it comes down to what God thinks of you and I can tell you that God loves you and there is nothing better than being embraced by such a bold and sincere love. There is a freedom which comes from letting go of the sorrow and pain. There is a peace which occurs when you can laugh in the presence of the Creator of the universe and know you have a purpose in this life other than being a victim.
My experiences have been painful but I still have hope. I know I will have my days when I am still sad and depressed. I still believe there is a reason for everything. I may never understand it all but I don't have to either. I can just "be" for a change.
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